Dear 20-Year-Old Me

I’m filled with a mix of emotions for you - nostalgia, gratitude, pride, and also sadness for what you’ve been facing, and what you’re about to face. But, years later, I can say we’ve made it. So, buckle up. 

You’re going to be in the depths of an eating disorder and feel complete and utter hopelessness. But, years later, you’ll be able to look back and see what you’ve accomplished. 

You’re going to scream and cry and crumble. But, you’ll pick yourself up and try again. And again. And again. 

You’re going to feel like each bite of food is the end of the world. But, if you keep at it, you’ll find your eating disorder was just keeping your world small. 

You’re going to curse anyone who tries to help you. But, eventually you’ll find that when you can’t hold yourself up any longer, you’ll need to lean on these people. 

You’re not going to want to admit you have an eating disorder. But, you’ll find that once you do, a weight is lifted. 

You’re going to feel like it’s one step forward and two steps back. But, the forward motion adds up and eventually you’ll be able to see how far you’ve come. 

You’re going to try therapist after therapist, doctor after doctor, medication after medication. But, one day, it will finally start to stick. 

You’re going to feel like you're drowning in a sea of self-doubt and insecurity. But, even the strongest need a lifeline sometimes. 

You’re going to grieve for the time you’ve lost to your eating disorder. But, you’ll come to see that it has taught you more about yourself than you ever would have guessed. 

You're going to wrestle with guilt and shame every time you indulge in a meal or skip a workout. But, the more you do it, the more you’ll find that voice becoming quieter. 

You're going to have moments of despair, when it feels like the darkness will never lift. But, through those dark nights of the soul, you'll discover an inner strength and resilience you never knew you had.

You're going to face setbacks and relapses along the way - a lot of them. In these moments it will feel like all your progress has been undone. But, each setback is an opportunity to learn and grow, to reaffirm your commitment to recovery, and to come back even stronger than before.

You're going to stumble and fall, but you'll also soar to heights you never imagined possible. And through it all, remember that you are not defined by your challenges, but by your courage to face them head-on and your determination to keep moving forward, one step at a time.

Celebrate every victory, no matter how small. Whether it’s finishing a meal without guilt, challenging a negative thought, or reaching out for help when you need it, each step forward is a triumph worth acknowledging.

Surround yourself with people who uplift and support you, who see you for the person you are beyond the eating disorder. Lean on them when you need to, and don’t be afraid to ask for help. You are not alone in this.

Believe in yourself and your ability to overcome. You are much stronger and more resilient than you realize.

 You’ll be okay. 

With love,

Your 26-Year-Old Self

Shannon is a teacher on the east coast of Canada who enjoys running, reading, and spending quality time with her dog.